Cerberus Chat Logs
Brought to you by GeneralFai of the Something Awful Forums
(Warning, NSFW language below)
Cerberus Chat (TM) Client v. 5.13
Original code written by [NAME REDACTED]
All rights reserved.
You have joined the chat.
[Behind_Blue_Eyes] How are the fundraising efforts going?
[Behind_Blue_Eyes] Between resurrecting you and building the new Normandy, Cerberus is broke.
[Shepard_Commander] I instructed each crew member to come up with a "side job" of sorts.
[Shepard_Commander] Guys, go ahead and give your reports. Let's start with Jason.
[Jacob] It's Jacob, Commander. Grunt and I took a job defending a convoy on Eden Prime.
[Jacob] It was being attacked by pirates, and local militias are still inadequate after Sovereign's attack.
[Shepard_Commander] Well, how'd it go?
[Jacob] There was a massive firefight, some Blue Suns showed up, and I hauled ass back here.
[Miranda] You just left? That's not standard Cerberus procedure!
[Shepard_Commander] Where's Grunt? You just left him there?
[Jacob] I think he can handle himself, Commander.
[EDI] I'm receiving a transmission from Eden Prime. Patching it through...
User GRUNT has joined the chat.
[GRUNT] SHEPARD! YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN HERE! IT WAS GLORIOUS!
[Shepard_Commander] Glad to see that you're alive, Grunt. Status report?
[GRUNT] I DESTROYED THEM ALL, BUT THE SHUTTLE IS GONE!
[Jacob] Is the convoy safe?
[GRUNT] WHAT CONVOY?
[AbUsEd_BiOtIc] you shouldve stayed with him jason you idiot you know how he gets
[Behind_Blue_Eyes] I suppose we can assume we'll receive no payment for that job.
[Behind_Blue_Eyes] Seeing as how nobody's alive to pay us.
[Commander_Shepard] Moving on...
[Commander_Shepard] "Kasumi's Delivery Service"
[*~Kasumi~*] I was hired to deliver a parcel of dubious nature to a contact on Omega.
[*~Kasumi~*] I'm afraid I "misplaced" it.
[LOVE_THIS_RIFLE] DEFINITELY SAW IT COMIN'!
[Behind_Blue_Eyes] Strike two, Shepard.
[Shepard_Commander] Zaeed, let's hear about your job.
[Jessie's_Guy] Didn't exactly make out like a bandit, Shepard
[Jessie's_Guy] Sold thirteen, and brought in thirteen credits.
[Tali_vas_Normandy] What, exactly, was he selling?
[Shepard_Commander] Lemonade, at a stand on the Citadel.
[Shepard_Commander] Nobody died. I'd consider that to be "good enough."
[AbUsEd_BiOtIc] i stole 100 credits from some dude i beat up on omega
[Shepard_Commander] That's more effort than I expected from you, Jack.
[AbUsEd_BiOtIc] glad i impressed you
[Shepard_Commander] how did the "frigate wash" go?
[Tali_vas_Normandy] Not very well.
[Krios_221] We had one customer.
[Tali_vas_Normandy] He was cautious, and for good reason.
[Tali_vas_Normandy] Samara found a stowaway onboard and...
[Tali_vas_Normandy] Thane, what was your word for what happened?
[Krios_221] I believe I used the word "gooed."
[By_The_Code] I was obligated by The Code to do what I did.
[Behind_Blue_Eyes] Shepard, from what I've heard, "Miranda's Saucy (yet tasteful)" Calendar is generating record profits.
[AbUsEd_BiOtIc] well duh shes gentically perfect or whatever
[Shepard_Commander] Hang on, we haven't heard from Garrus.
[Jessie's_Guy] guddamn calibrations
[LOVE_THIS_RIFLE] FUCK YOU GUYS
[LOVE_THIS_RIFLE] I WASN'T FUCKING CALIBRATING ANYTHING
[AbUsEd_BiOtIc] for once
[LOVE_THIS_RIFLE] YOU ASSHOLES
[LOVE_THIS_RIFLE] I took a job at the Pinnacle Station firing range.
User LOVE_THIS-RIFLE has been banned (Behind_Blue_Eyes: "I know how this one ends")
[Jacob] Never saw it coming?
[Shepard_Commander] EDI, how's your antivirus service?
[EDI] It was going great, and then I saw the opportunity for a...different business.
[EDI] Scanning users' computers for viruses, I found a substantial and varied amount of pornography.
User EDI has been banned (Behind_Blue_Eyes: "I'll take it.")
[Shepard_Commander] Mordin, tell me that you have some good news.
[MORDIN] YES SHEPARD, PLEASE OPEN THE PORTSIDE AIRLOCK AND I'LL CONVEY THE CREDITS TO YOU
[Jacob] Harbinger is pretty relentless. And stupid.
[Shepard_Commander] Oh yes, Mordin, I will; golly, I wonder how many credits you've raised...
[MORDIN] Ha ha ha, deception complete. Hilarious results acheived.
[MORDIN] A marvelous experiment.
[Legion] We are capable of better humor than that.
[Jessie's_Guy] You're guddamn right
[Shepard_Commander] Legion, tell us how you did at your job.
[Legion] We served on voluntary jury duty on the Citadel.
[Legion] The defendant insisted that he did not infringe on the likeness of [celebrity name redacted].
[Legion] The prosecution posited that he had.
[Legion] We, and the other members of the jury, were unable to reach consensus regarding guilt or innocence.
[AbUsEd_BiOtIc] *shit sorry ignore that
[Legion] We earned three-hundred credits for our services.
[Shepard_Commander] So what's that put us at?
[Behind_Blue_Eyes] Negative 3,271,600 credits.
[Behind_Blue_Eyes] Looks like you'll have to go back to buying your own gear.
Go to top | Home